Newsflash: monkeys control robotic arms with the power of their minds

I am sure by now you would have read this article and are considering its implications.

Before you go off in a blind panic, it’s important to remember that monkeys have been able to control computers for a long time! The ramifications have already begun to be felt (most notably in the form of Windows Vista).

But Fuselit isn’t made just by computers. It requires three elements:

1. Creative creatures making all sorts of things.
2. A computer publishing software and printing facilities.
3. Fully functional hands with opposable thumbs and so forth in order to stitch them all together.

Monkeys now have access to all three. And I don’t think they’ll limit their ambition to feeding themselves fruit and marshmallow. Oh no.

Simians have attempted to conquer literary journals before. Just look at what happened to the Shakespeare Revue. It’s only a matter of time before Fuselit is targeted – and by the look on that monkey’s face, I don’t think they’re in the mood for compromise.

In these dark times, it’s important to remember the following points:

• Monkeys and Humans can live in peace together.
• This may mean giving the monkeys the upper hand so as to appease them.
• I have always been very nice to monkeys, and would make a most loyal servant.
• I have been looking for an opportunity to betray Kirsty in any case.

So don’t worry. We’ll all pull through.